By Dr. Scott Turansky
If you’re a grandparent, you probably know this tension all too well. You love your grandchildren, and you long to see them grow in their relationship with Jesus. You want them to develop strong convictions, make wise choices, and experience God personally. Yet you also recognize something important: much of your influence with your grandchildren is connected to your relationship with their parents—your adult children.
And that relationship can sometimes get complicated.
Maybe you see things you wish your adult children would handle differently. Perhaps church isn’t as high a priority as you’d like. Maybe you disagree about discipline, screens, friendships, dating, school, or any number of other issues. Sometimes you may even have significant concerns about the spiritual direction of the family.
When that happens, grandparents can be tempted in one of two directions. Some become more forceful, believing they need to correct what’s going wrong. Others become discouraged and pull away.
But there’s another response that can open the door for tremendous spiritual influence: stay in the mess.
Families are messy because people are messy. God knows that. Yet God has a long history of accomplishing his purposes in the middle of imperfect families. Your family’s story is still being written, and your willingness to remain lovingly and wisely engaged may provide opportunities for God to use you in ways you can’t yet imagine.
Your Adult Children Are Partners, Not Obstacles
Sometimes grandparents begin to see their adult children as gatekeepers standing between them and their grandchildren. That perspective can subtly create an adversarial relationship. Instead, consider seeing your adult children as partners in something that has eternal significance.
Respect Their Roles
God has given parents the primary responsibility for the spiritual development of their children. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children.” (NIV) The passage goes on to describe spiritual conversations taking place throughout ordinary family life.
Look for ways to come alongside them
As a grandparent, you have a wonderful opportunity to come alongside that process.
Your role isn’t to take over. You don’t need to become another parent to your grandchildren. Instead, you can strengthen what their parents are trying to accomplish and bring something uniquely valuable to the family.
That might mean asking your adult son, “What are you working on with the kids right now? Is there some way I can reinforce that?” Or you might ask your daughter, “How can I be praying for you as a mom?” Those questions communicate something important: I’m on your team.
Strengthen Your Relationship Before Offering Advice
Even when you disagree with some of their choices, look for ways to communicate respect for their role as parents. Encourage them. Pray with them. Notice what they’re doing well and tell them. The stronger your relationship with your adult children becomes, the more opportunities you’ll often have to influence your grandchildren.
Staying in the Mess Requires Grace
Of course, this isn’t always easy. Maybe your adult child has hurt you deeply. Perhaps you feel overlooked or unappreciated. Maybe you’re walking on eggshells because you’re afraid that saying the wrong thing will reduce your access to your grandchildren. In some families, the differences in values are significant and painful.
Not Every Disagreement Needs to Become a Breaking Point
Staying in the mess doesn’t mean approving of everything. Nor does it mean ignoring dangerous or destructive behavior. But it does mean recognizing that not every disagreement needs to become a relational breaking point.
Choose Relationship Over Winning the Argument
Colossians 3:12-14 gives us a helpful picture of the heart qualities needed in family relationships: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and, above all, love. Those qualities become particularly important when relationships are strained.
Sometimes the most Christlike thing a grandparent can do is listen instead of lecture. At other times, you may need to overlook an irritation so you can preserve the relationship for something more important. You may decide that a particular issue isn’t worth arguing about because you want to keep the door open for conversations that have greater spiritual significance.
Let Grace Keep the Door Open
Relationship is often the bridge over which influence travels. If we continually damage the bridge in order to make our point, we may lose the opportunity to speak when it matters most.
Look for Your Windows of Influence
One of the key ideas I develop in Grandparenting with Purpose is what I call windows of influence.
Grandparents often focus on what they don’t have. “I wish they lived closer.” “I hardly ever get to see them.” “The kids are so busy.” “My health keeps me from doing what I used to do.” “My daughter doesn’t seem interested in my advice.” “My grandson is a teenager now and doesn’t want to talk.”
Ask What Opportunities God Has Already Given You
Those challenges are real. But if we focus primarily on our limitations, discouragement can cause us to miss the opportunities God has already placed in front of us. Instead of asking, “Why don’t I have more influence?” try asking a different question: What windows of influence has God already given me?
Your window might be driving your granddaughter to soccer practice once a week. That twenty-minute drive may provide an opportunity to hear about friendships, disappointments, or fears. Your window might be a FaceTime call every Sunday evening.
It might be baking cookies together at Christmas, going fishing twice a year, attending a grandchild’s basketball games, sending text messages, working together in the garden, or having everyone over for Sunday dinner.
Don’t Underestimate Ordinary Moments
Don’t underestimate those moments. A conversation in the car can become a discussion about courage. A disappointment at school can open a conversation about trusting God. A birthday card can contain a carefully chosen Scripture and an affirmation of the character qualities you see developing in your grandchild.
Recognize When a Window Opens
Sometimes a window opens unexpectedly. A teenager who normally gives one-word answers suddenly starts talking at 11:00 at night. It may not be convenient, but you recognize, “This is a window.”
When it opens, step into it. Psalm 145:4 says, “One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.” (NIV) That kind of intergenerational faith transfer often takes place in surprisingly ordinary moments.
Your Family Story Is Still Being Written
One of my favorite pictures of grandparent influence appears in 2 Timothy 1:5. Paul writes to Timothy, “I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.” (NIV)
Lois, Eunice, and Timothy: A Legacy of Faith
Notice the generations: Lois. Eunice. Timothy. We don’t know all the conversations that took place in that family. We don’t know how many prayers Lois prayed or how many times she wondered whether her efforts were making a difference.
But something happened across those generations. Faith was being passed along. Grandparents don’t always get to see the fruit of their investment right away. That’s one of the challenges of spiritual influence.
The teenager who appears uninterested today may remember your words when he’s thirty-five. Your granddaughter may someday face a crisis and remember watching you trust God through yours. Your adult child may eventually look back and recognize that your restraint, grace, encouragement, and faithfulness were evidence of spiritual maturity.
Trust God With the Long-Term Impact of Your Influence
Don’t judge the significance of your influence simply by today’s response. God is working on a much longer timeline.
Stay Close Enough for God to Use You
Stay Engaged
Maybe that’s one of the most important challenges for Christian grandparents: stay in the family story. Don’t allow disappointment to push you unnecessarily to the sidelines. Don’t make winning an argument more important than preserving a relationship. Don’t spend so much time grieving the opportunities you don’t have that you miss the ones God has given you.
Instead, ask yourself, “How can I strengthen my relationship with my adult children? How can I support them in their parenting? What windows of influence do I have with each grandchild? And how might God use those opportunities to touch a heart?”
Stay Prayerful
Then pray. Ask God to show you the windows you might be overlooking. Ask him for wisdom to know when to speak and when to listen. Ask him to help you see what’s happening beneath the surface in your adult children and grandchildren.
Stay Curious About What God Is Doing
Your family doesn’t need a perfect grandparent. They need a faithful one. Stay engaged. Stay prayerful. Stay gracious. Stay curious about what God is doing. Most importantly, stay in the story. You never know when an ordinary conversation might become an eternal moment.
Discover Your Own Windows of Influence
Every Grandparent Has Different Opportunities
In my book Grandparenting with Purpose, I explore the idea of windows of influence in much greater detail. Every grandparent has a different combination of opportunities, limitations, gifts, relationships, and resources. The goal isn’t to become someone else’s idea of the perfect grandparent. It’s to discover the opportunities God has entrusted specifically to you and use them intentionally.
Use the Opportunities God Has Entrusted to You
If you’d like practical, biblical help for strengthening relationships with your grandchildren, partnering wisely with their parents, passing on your faith, and identifying your own windows of influence, I invite you to learn more about Grandparenting with Purpose and explore the additional resources available on our Grandparenting Hub.
Visit biblicalparenting.org/grandparenting and discover how the windows God has already placed in your life can become opportunities for a spiritual legacy that lasts for generations.
