By Dr. Joannie DeBrito, Legacy Coalition Family Support Specialist
One of the gifts of getting older is the wisdom and experience we gain along the way. As grandparents, we have stories to tell, lessons we have learned, and faith experiences we can share with our children and grandchildren. In this blog, I will discuss some strategies for partnering with your children to encourage healthy engagement with, and discipleship of, your grandchildren.
But there is an important question to consider: How do we share what we have learned without stepping into our adult children’s role as parents?
Why a Healthy Relationship With Adult Children Matters
Healthy relationships with our adult children are an important part of intentionally influencing our grandchildren for Christ. When trust and communication are strong, grandparents and parents can encourage one another, support one another, and work together to help the next generation know and follow Jesus.
If you have ever felt frustrated because your adult children don’t seem interested in your advice, you are not alone. Sometimes our desire to help can unintentionally create distance. Building a healthy partnership begins with taking a closer look at how we communicate, listen, encourage, and honor our adult children.
The Bible reminds us that what God teaches us is meant to be passed from one generation to the next. Deuteronomy 4:9 says:
“Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” (ESV)
That is a beautiful picture of generational faith. We have a responsibility to share what we have learned about God, but we also need wisdom about how we share it.
How Can Grandparents Partner With Their Adult Children?
One helpful way to remember the foundations of a healthy partnership with our adult children is the acronym TEACH:
T rust
E mpathy
A ppreciation
C ommunication
H onor
T: Build Trust With Your Adult Children
A healthy partnership begins with trust. Grandparents and their adult children need to believe that they want what is best for one another and for the children they share. Strong trust helps grandparents and their adult children tolerate personality differences and disagreements, knowing that conflicts are an opportunity for discussions that may enrich and strengthen the partnership.
Trust Your Adult Children as the Primary Parents
Most importantly, grandparents need to trust their children to be the primary decision makers in their grandchildren’s lives.
Give Advice When It Is Invited
Taking a secondary role in parenting your grandchildren signifies that you have great trust in your children’s ability to parent well and that will make them more likely to put trust in you.
E: Practice Empathy With Your Adult Children
Remember That Parenting Has Changed
It’s important for grandparents to remember that their adult children have grown up in a world that is very different from the world they experienced when growing up, and that many things have changed since they were parenting their children. Our children have stresses and demands on them that are very different from the struggles we experienced.
Listen Before Offering Advice
Therefore, we need to take the time to listen to their concerns and remember how we felt when we were feeling stressed as parents. The answers to our problems as parents may not work for them and helping them explore contemporary solutions is usually more helpful than dumping a lot of advice on them that may not be practical today.
Share Your Experience Without Assuming You Have All the Answers
On the other hand, some problems, such as struggling to make ends meet, tend to plague every generation. Therefore, telling stories of how we coped when pinching pennies despite mounting needs shows our adult children that we can identify with their stresses. Empathy is the glue that holds us together, despite our different life experiences, or when our experiences are similar.
A: Show Appreciation for Your Role as a Grandparent
Remember That Grandparenting Is a Privilege, Not a Right
Being in partnership with our children to help raise and disciple our grandchildren is a privilege not a right. It’s important for us to allow our children to invite our help and support as they need it and not to expect to be included in all their family activities or consulted about every decision they make for their children. Most importantly, we should refrain from inserting ourselves into their families without being asked.
Respect Your Adult Children’s Parenting Decisions
When we are invited, we would be wise to remember to thank our children for trusting us to be an integral part of their family. Expressing gratitude is a way to extend goodwill toward your children and encourage more time with them and their children. For me, and for many of you, I feel blessed to be very involved with my grandchildren on a fairly regular basis. However, I am aware that some grandparents have been kept from being a part of their grandchildren’s lives, often through no fault of their own. If that describes you, I encourage you to pray for improved relationships in the future and reach out regularly to express your love for your family members.
Repair the Relationship When You Have Overstepped
On the other hand, if you recognize that partnering with you has been paused by your children because you have tried to make parenting decisions for them, been critical of their lives or showered them with unsolicited advice, apologizing for overstepping your boundaries can go a long way toward repairing your relationship.
C: Communicate With Your Adult Children
Talk About Expectations and Family Needs
A healthy partnership with our adult children requires regular conversations about their wishes, their children’s needs, family schedules, and ways we can help. It can be especially helpful to include children in these discussions so they can see that adults in their lives are all on the same page and agree with and support one another.
Keep Communication Open as Children Grow
It’s also important to remember that as children grow up, they will go through times when they don’t want to listen to their parents and may be more interested in talking with their grandparents, aunts and uncles and other adults.
Be Available When Your Grandchildren Need You
Be available at those times, even if you have experienced a season during which your grandchild(ren) was not as interested in spending time with you as previously. So many transitions occur in the lives of our children, grandchildren and families and good communication skills are the tools that keep things running smoothly. The time that your grandkids spend talking with you- instead of their parents- provides a great opportunity to gently reinforce the importance of honor in the child-parent relationship.
H: Practice Honor in Your Relationship With Your Adult Children
We’re all familiar with the verses in the Bible that talk about children honoring their parents. This is so important to God that it is the fifth of The 10 Commandments.
Exodus 20:12 says:
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (ESV)
In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul reminds children of this commandment:
“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” (Ephesians 6:2-3, ESV)
We sometimes forget, however, that right after those two verses, fathers are called to honor their children in this way:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (ESV)
Although this verse addresses fathers specifically, it can be broadly applied to mothers, as well.
Listen Instead of Lecturing
When we lecture, pressure, criticize, or threaten our adult children, we can damage the trust and respect that healthy partnerships require.
Encourage Instead of Criticizing
Instead, we need to focus on listening, encouraging, engaging, and partnering with them to support them and our grandchildren.
What Does Healthy Grandparenting Look Like?
See if you can spot the difference in these two statements:
An Example of Advice That Creates Distance
“So, I see why Brandon is struggling in school. Kids today are lazy and the teachers don’t care anymore. You need to go to that school and demand that they put him in a new class. You’ve been too busy to help him so change your schedule to get off work so you can be home when he gets home from school. If you don’t get things straightened out for him at school, I’ll go over there and demand that the principal gets involved. I’m not going to sit here and watch my grandson fail while you ignore him.”
or
An Example of Support That Builds Partnership
“Ok, so I hear you saying that Brandon is struggling in school. Have you thought about talking with his teachers? I’d like to help in any way that I can. How can I help you and Brandon so he will be successful in school? You are good parents. I’m sure you can figure this out.”
Support Instead of Taking Control
Hopefully you easily picked out the difference. The first statement may have made you go, “Ouch!” It is dishonoring and discourages your children from wanting to partner with you while the second statement invites your partnership. If your ultimate goal is to encourage faith in Jesus Christ in your grandchildren, that is most likely to happen if you and your children cooperate and collaborate with each other on a regular basis. The Bible refers to the importance of working together for a good outcome in several verses. For example, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” (ESV).
Partner With Parents to Influence the Next Generation
When grandparents and parents choose to work together, keep Christ at the center, and extend grace to one another, they create an environment where grandchildren can see what a Christ-centered family looks like. The goal is not for grandparents to have all the answers or to make every decision. It is to grow in wisdom and humility so we can build stronger relationships with our adult children and have greater spiritual influence with our grandchildren. Let’s faithfully support our adult children, pray for our grandchildren, and look for opportunities to point the next generation toward Jesus.
FAQ Section
How can grandparents have a healthy relationship with their adult children?
Grandparents can build healthy relationships with adult children by developing trust, practicing empathy, showing appreciation, communicating openly, and honoring their adult children’s role as parents.
How can grandparents avoid overstepping with their adult children?
Grandparents can avoid overstepping by respecting their adult children’s parenting decisions, offering advice when invited, listening before speaking, and remembering that being involved in a grandchild’s life is a privilege rather than a right.
What should grandparents do when their adult children don’t want their advice?
Start by listening. Ask questions about what your adult child needs rather than immediately offering solutions. When advice is not requested, consider whether encouragement, prayer, or practical support would be more helpful.
How can grandparents support their adult children without interfering?
Grandparents can support adult children by respecting their decisions, offering help when appropriate, keeping communication open, praying for their family, and being available when their adult children ask for help.
How can grandparents influence grandchildren when they disagree with their adult children’s parenting?
Grandparents can focus on maintaining a trusting relationship rather than trying to control parenting decisions. When appropriate, they can model Christlike character, pray, listen, and look for opportunities to point grandchildren toward Jesus while respecting the parents’ role.
